Jonny Gonzo: I'm Not Dead Yet

The Most Tragic Children's TV Character

2011-11-05T22:15:00.002-04:00

In 1992, an unknown comedian and actor named Paul Zaloom made his big break as a zany scientist who would answer science questions sent in by kids. Along with his two sidekicks, gross but lovable Lester the Rat (Mark Ritts) and a season to season sassy, female assistant with the fashion sense of Cindy Lauper in a mushroom frenzy, Beakman's World was a hit on TLC spanning most of the 90s. While the premise of the show is seemingly harmless, there is a very real and very dark truth behind it. At no point did they ever refer to Lester as "a rat", in fact they regularly and openly referred to him as "a guy in a rat suit." While the joke has its places in this world, in the reality of the world that show is set in, it was pandering to the delusions of a sad, middle aged man who one day gave up on living a normal life.
Poor, clueless Lester was the butt of jokes for all four seasons of Beakman's World. I like to think he was born in or around Newark, NJ as Lester Kozlewski. He was never a clean boy and grew up being pelted by class mates with nicknames like Pig Pen, Stink Ass, and Lester PEE-EWski. Naturally he grew up with a low self esteem, overate regularly, and was too depressed for good hygiene. When he was in his mid thirties he was in his mother's basement, surrounded by his own filth, when his Princess Bride VHS tape wore out from overuse. Upon being struck by a moment without distraction, he looked at himself, his life, the subhuman nothing he grew up to be, and lost his mind. He decided on that day that if he was no better than the common rat he would fashion himself a suit out of an old shag rug and live like one. One day while picking through his neighbors' garbage for scraps, he saw an ad in a newspaper that lab rats were needed for testing and he answered. Upon seeing him, the lab assistants took pity and sent him over to eccentric Dr. Beakman because they knew he wanted to start an educational program, and the rest was Saturday morning TV history.
Lester's low self esteem is only part of his problem. Often during the show he made self deprecating cracks and consistently tried to flirt with the female assistants the only way he knew how, by cracking wise and offering gifts of stuff he found under his unwashed, homemade rat costume. Given his social inabilities it was no surprise that these advances were met with disgust, but he just didn't understand because any other attempt at social interaction in his life had been met with ridicule. It is easier to hide the tears of a clown than understand the human mind. He often made references about how he needed to find a better agent, but at no point were the viewers shown this agent nor did we hear any dialogue over a phone that could make his existence plausible. Lester's job was not easy, but he did it for five years, succumbing more and more to madness with each passing season. His coworker and supposed "friend" Beakman was no help either. Beakman perpetuated Lester's sickness for the sake of entertainment, not once showing any sign that he wanted to help. He was the star, it was his world, and screw the unwashed, hopeless, crazed man in a rat suit.
It is tragic when people look back into the abyss that was their life and reel in terror at how little they did with it. Perhaps it was better for Lester Kozlewski to die and Lester The Guy in the Rat Suit to live on. In his madness he never frowned, never cried, he had fun being who he was and not living up to other people's standards. It's not known what became of Lester after the show went off the air in 1997, but I'd like to think he went on to help inner city children with esteem and weight issues. Unfortunately, he most likely fell to the same, less savory fate that befalls most unemployed and mentally ill people. Did Lester move on to better things or did he die on the harsh city streets or in the sewers with the rest of the rats? We will never know.

Green Lantern Movie and Sequel Predictions

2011-04-03T14:00:00.006-04:00

I'm posting this right now so when it inevitably happens I can say "I told you so." I just watched the Wondercon video for the Green Lantern movie. First up, the video

Now, even with the problems I have (I'll excuse Ryan Reynolds but really? THAT'S how you made the lantern battery look?) it looks like a lot of fun, that is until I saw two things that look like this.

The flying fish on the right is the green entity of Willpower Ion, the one on the left is the yellow entity of fear Parallax. These two entities are fairly recent additions to the Green Lantern mythos who were not even thought of until maybe seven to ten years ago (citation and better estimate needed) and came into real prominence in the recent Blackest Night arcs. This is where the problem lies. For those of us who read comics and see superhero movies we see the trend that studios and writers try to cram too much in because they think it sates the hungers of the Dork Legion. This is something every superhero movie does and it is comparable to a tight rope walk between two helicopters at hundreds of feet above the ground. If it is done successfully it's awe inspiring, if not it's bloody, messy, disgusting, and no human should have to watch it let alone clean up after it. Needless to say, this movie is no exception, with the site of Ion and Parallax it is clear that they're trying to cram as much of the recent books in as possible. It is because of those two entities being shown that I just KNOW the clip after the credits have rolled is going to play out as followed.

NIGHT TIME: A YELLOW LIGHT FLIES PASS THE SCREEN AND INTO A LARGE OMINOUS BUILDING. LIGHTNING STRIKES, AND THE WORDS "ARKHAM ASYLUM" ARE BARELY MADE READABLE. THE LIGHT FLIES THROUGH THE HALLS AND STOPS AT A HEAVY DOOR,IT HOVERS IN THE AIR FOR A SECOND THEN GOES THROUGH THE WALL. DUST FILLS THE HALLWAY, INMATES ARE AWAKENED. IN THE DUST A SHAPE IS SEEN, THE DUST CLEARS AND THE CAMERA ZOOMS ON CILLIAN MURPHY'S FACE. AN OTHERWORLDLY VOICE IS HEARD.

YELLOW LIGHT: Jonathan Crane of sector 2814, you have the ability to instill great fear (LIGHT TURNS INTO A YELLOW RING)welcome to the Sinestro Corps.

MILLIONS OF COMIC BOOK FANS ARE HEARD WEEPING AND EVERY GREEN LANTERN FAN IN THE WORLD FACE PALMS THEMSELVES.

-END SCENE-

No Hal going nuts and killing the corps, no ongoing battles between Sinestro and Hal to show the chemistry between these two characters, no thought of Guy Gardner, John Stewart, or Kyle Rayner. No, they're going to nuke the fridge and go RIGHT into the Sinestro Corps War in the second movie, because who doesn't want to see Braveheart in Space? I'm still going to see this movie and most likely enjoy it but I'll have white knuckles and the words "I fucking knew it." on my lips the entire time.

*update- I wasn't right but I was close enough.*

Cold Turkey Diaries: Week 4

2011-01-19T18:22:00.002-05:00

This past week has been much better. I'm not sure if it's a matter of things getting better or mental cravings going down but frustration and depression are much lower. They're still not fantastic but I don't feel like very graphic tortures are being done to my genitalia anymore. The month mark is Friday so hopefully things just continue to get better.

Cold Turkey Diaries: Week 3

2011-01-11T02:07:00.002-05:00

I'm losing it. I know the mental side effects were going to be the worst part but this is way worse than I ever thought. It could be that I just picked the wrong time to quit (depression is a given since I'm always depressed in January anyway)and fate has a way of fucking me over constantly and every chance it gets but just, wow. Just that mental craving is more than anything my body has thrown at me so far. Work, where I smoked the most, is the real proving ground. This past Friday I had a very clear idea of what it is like to go mad. "The drone" as I call it, or the combined voices of a packed bar, was hammering at my psyche like a diamond tipped, ball pin hammer. On top of that, finances are the lowest they have been in two years so that is more weight on stress. Just overall I am not having a good month. That sentence, by the way, is the SINGLE most understated thing I have ever said or typed. A better way to describe how this month has been is to imagine an Iron Pronged Pitchfork, red hot, being stabbed DIRECTLY into my urinary meatus while my foreskin is stretched out like a rubber band and plucked like a banjo string.

The Cold Turkey Diaries: Week 2

2011-01-05T13:52:00.002-05:00

I did say I was going to post less as this went on. Week two had very little physical side effects. It takes approximately five days for nicotine to completely leave the body. This could explain why day five was so difficult for me. Right now I have just been dealing with the mental effects which will probably take longer to stop. These include the cravings at work, after eating, while walking, etc. pretty much everywhere I would smoke on a regular basis my brain equates with smoking so therefore out of habit it says "something's missing here." Since most of the side effects are gone, I'm going to start on the benefits.

Circulatory

-First thing's first, sex is great. Improved circulation has improved erection strength and sensitivity and now that's out of the way.

Respiratory

- My sinuses are still not totally clear but I am starting to get my sense of smell back. This in turn is also affecting my taste. For instance, last week I was walking to work and I tasted the air. If anyone is curious, Philadelphia air tastes very bitter.

Mental and Endocrine

-Just today the lethargy I was feeling from lack of that one stimulant has ceased. ---Sleep has been shorter but of better quality.
-Testosterone levels have increased (did I mention sex is great?) so I have been more aggressive but positively so.
-I'm actually dealing with frustrations and problems as opposed to smoking them away and pushing them to the back of my head to fester.

Alright, that about covers it. I'll post in a week at the very latest.

The Cold Turkey Diaries: Week 1 Round-up

2010-12-28T23:44:00.003-05:00

It has been a week without a cigarette and it's been tough but a lot easier than I thought it would be. So here's a breakdown of the past seven days.

Day 1- Nothing really happened other than throwing up because I put on a patch that was double the amount I needed.

Day 2- I spent the entire day high because my body wasn't used to oxygen. I also had several other maladies such as indigestion, anxiety, tingle fingers, etc. This was the first day I noticed just how many systems smoking effects.

Day 3- I was travelling all day and there was some pretty serious anxiety while I was on a packed train. There was some constipation, indigestion, and my sinuses were flushing themselves out.

Day 4- Nothing happened, this was a great day for me.

Day 5- Depression really kicked in this day. There was some pretty serious frustration as well. On the light side most of the physical effects finished up.

Day 6- This day just sucked anyway. Depression was still there but not as bad as day 5 and frustration was pretty much only because of bad weather.Physical side effects were at a low.

Day 7- Ho-ly crap, this day sucked. I was stuck on a cold train platform for four hours. If there was going to be one day I would have caved it would have been this day. I didn't though and it looks like it's all down hill from here.

Week 1 conclusion- This is going really really well. The real test will be tomorrow when I go back to work. Work is where I used to smoke the most so we'll see how it goes. I'm confident though, if I can get through an entire evening waiting for a goddamn train in the freezing cold I should do just fine at work.

The Cold Turkey Diaries: Days 4 and 5

2010-12-26T00:22:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas everyone! Day four was very boring on the effects side, that's why these two days I'm clumping together and I'm most likely going to progressively give longer time intervals between posts. It seems most of the main physical stuff is all taken care of, but here comes the tough part. Today my frustration and depression levels were very high. I was trying to cook dinner earlier and I ended up snapping a couple times and needing to go in my room to meditate for a little bit. On top of that when all was done and taken care of nothing I made was good enough for me. Everything tasted fine but I focused on every little aspect of the meal that was not perfect. On top of that I watched a bunch of versions of a Christmas Carol (even Muppet AND Bill Murray)and I was just miserable because everything stewed in my head. These past four days have been relatively calm compared to day five. A friend said his hardest days were five and six. I'm hoping with me today is the worst because I tell you, it was not easy.

The Cold Turkey Diaries: Day 3

2010-12-23T22:05:00.002-05:00

Day three started well, I had a very wonderful sleep. I'm not as high on oxygen as I was yesterday which is nice because after an entire day it gets trying. Also, my acne has cleared up considerably and my extremities aren't as tingly. Enough good news, ON TO THE NEW SIDE EFFECTS!

Respiratory
-My sinuses have been moving around all day. Filling, refilling, etc. This is just the sinuses cleaning themselves out.

Gastro-Intestinal

-Constipation, it was only a matter of time. Nicotine is a stimulant, therefore it acts as a diuretic. It's the opposite of someone who is dope sick from stopping heroin. Once that stimulant is gone? BAM! Poo plug.
-Indigestion, I'm not sure why this happens but I do know it to be another side effect of quitting smoking.

Mental

-The aggravation hit earlier today on the way to the train station. Still not unbearable though and given this is the third day I'm hoping the aggravation has reached apex.

That's it for now. I've reached the third day mark so it should be downhill from here...hopefully. Luckily I am currently visiting my mom so hopefully the Less stress atmosphere will work in my favor (hence one of the reasons why I chose this week to quit). Stay tuned.

citation- most of the facts about nicotine and its side effects I'm listing come from this website.

http://hubpages.com/hub/What-happens-to-your-body-when-you-quit-smoking-with-cold-turkey--Chantix-or-Zyban

The Cold Turkey Diaries: Days 1 and 2

2010-12-22T14:48:00.003-05:00

As some of you may know I quit smoking yesterday (Dec. 21, 2010) and the body changes I'm experiencing, even already, are fascinating. So, I have decided to follow The Almighty Goldblum's example and keep a journal on how everything goes to help me and everyone else to understand what smoking really does. So, I am going to start by saying, last night I threw up a lot. Yes there was a lot of drinking involved but nothing I can't handle. I found out today that the nicotine patches I bought were too damn high in content and I suffered some sort of nicotine poisoning shortly after I took it off last night. I smoked camel lights for weeks up until this past weekend. The average amount of nicotine in a Camel Light is .7 to .9 mg. I smoked half a pack a day so I thought the step 2 patch of 14 mg was the right one...I was wrong. Pretty much via simple math I should have bought the step 3 patch of 7 mg. So, I'm totally patch-less today which isn't so bad. Fear and horror of nicotine is a wonderful quitting tool. So onto the science bits. I woke up today to see a face filled with acne. In day two of quitting my body is under stress, it also didn't help that my history of anxiety disorder went against me today causing even more stress. Now, onto the individual parts of the body.

circulatory
-Currently I'm experiencing some pretty intense dizziness. According to one website this is my brain adjusting to the rise in oxygen levels in my blood stream. More oxygen is reaching my brain and it's literally making me high.
- I'm experiencing minor leg pains and tingle fingers because my circulation is improving.

respiratory
-My chest is tight and I'm acquiring a cough. This is the cilia in my lungs fixing themselves and my body is pushing all the junk out.
-My voice is a little more hoarse than usual and my throat is sore. This is the skin in the back of my throat regenerating.

renal
-I'm peeing a lot. This is my body pushing poisons out of it.

mental
-There isn't that much irritability at the moment but anxiety is certainly at an all time high.
-Ansyness, I can't stop bouncing my foot up and down and actually it's the very reason why I started writing this. I also started writing this to help with the anxiety because if I can do research and understand the changes that are happening I won't think I'm dying.

That's it for now everyone! Stay tuned, I plan on updating this every other day if not every day.

Shattered LPs: Bad Religion "Dissent of Man"

2010-10-20T01:04:00.002-04:00

Finally settled on a music review name. Shattered LPs seemed fitting to coincide with Severed Thumbs so if you don't like it that's your fault. So, thirty years ago a couple punk kids from the LA Suburbs got together and became one of the most successful and prolific Punk Bands, that band is Bad Religion.

Their most recent (and fifteenth) offering is "Dissent of Man" and what can I say? They haven't lost it at all, it's everything one would expect from Doctor Greg Graffin (who apparently is a Life Science Professor at UCLA) and his crew. Quite frankly I can put this album right next to Stranger Than Fiction, Generator, No Control or any of their other classic albums and it snugly fits in there. The question is though, if a group shows no growth in thirty years does that go with or against them? That question can be discussed in the comments, as for me I have to go with my nostalgia muscles on this one. Full Price

Set List:

1.The Day That the Earth Stalled
2.Only Rain
3.The Resist Stance
4.Won't Somebody
5.The Devil in Stitches
6.Pride and the Pallor
7.Wrong Way Kids
8.Meeting of the Minds
9.Someone to Believe
10.Avalon
11.Cyanide
12.Turn Your Back on Me
13.Ad Hominem
14.Where the Fun Is
15.I Won't Say Anything

Severed Thumbs: Review Updates

2010-10-09T23:23:00.003-04:00

After writing the review for Let Me In I decided to look back on the other Severed Thumbs reviews and update some things. A couple movies I've watched again and I switched things up a bit now that the memory and hype are gone.

Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
It's still up there but upon watching it again I wouldn't give it a six. That score is for the real special movies to me such as Pan's Labrynth

New Score 5:6

Where the Wild Things Are
I really don't remember that much from this movie and that means it's not worth the 4:6.

New Score 3:6

That's all the changes for now I'm sure I'll change more in the future.

Severed Thumbs: Let Me In

2010-10-09T21:04:00.005-04:00

by: Jon

I'm drunk, let's do this. First, a quick back story. In 2004 a Swedish writer by the name of John Ajvide Lindqvist wrote a vampire novel called Låt den rätte komma in translated, Let the Right One In.

It was a new spin on the vampire genre that intertwined several separate stories but focused on a boy named Oskar who is regularly bullied at school and a "girl" named Eli, the vampire who befriends him. It was dark, it was sweet, it made me say "what the fuck?" a couple times, and, in 2008, it was made into a Swedish movie of the same name.

When the movie premiered stateside it received a lot of acclaim from genre fans, movie buffs, and critics alike. It was still in a niche though, not that many people saw it. So, as is the increasingly common case, in 2010 there was an American remake made called Let Me In

directed by Matt Reeves and staring Chloe Moretz (Kick-Ass) as "Abby" and some kid I know I've seen him in stuff but can't seem to put my finger on as "Owen" (obviously, just like on Ellis Island names have to be Americanized too). Oh, and it also stars Casey Jones. With a relatively weak opening weekend this film probably isn't going to be around much longer so I saw it today. Now, this review is difficult. Because it is a remake, I naturally have to try to break it up into two reviews. One as a stand alone film, the other as what it is, a remake.

First up, let's get all biases out of the way and review it as a remake. This is difficult because, to paraphrase a friend, it's like reviewing Jesus's son, no matter how good the kid is, his father is fucking Jesus. Though not as terrible as I expected there was a lot lacking. The pacing was completely off, the extra graphics were wanton, and it was noticeably dumbed down. My friend and I kept on joking that there should be a pop up video version of it. In the original story, Eli writes Oskar a note which simply is a Romeo and Juliet reference "I must be gone and live, or stay and die.". It's used in the movie, but not before the repetitive showing of Romeo and Juliet cramming down the viewers' collective throats and identifying that that is a reference to Romeo and Juliet. My other complaints are there was no real showing of the relationship of Abby (Eli) and "The Father" (Hakan). The side characters are also glanced over such as Eli's one victim Virginia who becomes a vampire herself. In the original it's very touching to see her realize what she has become and, knowing it's going to incinerate her, telling the nurse to open the curtains to her hospital room. My final complaint is "The Father" (played by Richard Jenkins) is the most bumbling serial killer ever. His first scene killing someone shows him stepping through ice and spilling a jug of blood. He had about as much screen time in the original Swedish film but the viewer was able to sympathize with him more because one could tell he has been doing this for a while, and when he finally gets caught it's one simple mistake that does him in. He was thrown into this relationship and role and is just starting to get tired and sloppy. The Americanized version uses him as comic relief, not as a character one can get behind and feel sorry for. I understand what they were doing and I'm all for being the first person to say "most Americans are dumb" but that doesn't mean you need to rip out the soul of a picture to make it more palatable. The movie was so stripped down for American audiences that it turned into Cliff Notes. Complaints aside, they still managed to keep at least some semblance of the relationship between Eli and Oskar, for the most part, in tact. Despite the computer generated effects, they also were able to show the dichotomy of Abby and what she really is.

as a remake 2 out of 6

Now that my ranting is done and over with, as a stand alone piece, it really wasn't that bad. There were a couple shots in the movie that really stood out. The first that comes to mind is when "The Father" is trying to speed away after killing his last victim. Most of the shot is from his point of view and you really get the feeling of anxiety as he's trying to pull this off. Yes, it is a Charlie Brown act because everything goes comically wrong (nothing goes together quite like homicide and slapstick kids) but the scene is intense. It's confusing, it's dizzying, it made my heart beat a bit faster. Another scene I utterly love besides the car accident is when Casey Jones/Elias Koteas/The Police Officer, is killed by Abby and he is reaching out to Owen to help him. That was a much appreciated addition because you really saw the horror of this beast and Owen just closes the door on this dying man. You could tell at this moment he not only accepts what kind of animal Abby is but what humanity he has to sacrifice to be with her.
On that note I mentioned in the previous section the relationship between Abby and Owen is, while not as deep as it was in the original, very much real. These were two star crossed lovers who relied on one another for comfort. The addition of the drunk, Jesus freak mother was also a nice touch and the pacing, while not nearly as fantastic as the original, was still slow enough to actually build to something.

Stand Alone movie 3 out of 6

GAME TIME! 90s Punk Supergroup

2010-09-02T17:56:00.001-04:00

Game time! Form a 90s Punk rock super group rules are they could not have been in the same band during the decade. Here's Mine

Vox - Greg Graffin (Bad Religion)
Bass - Matt Freeman (Rancid)*
Rhythm Guitar/backup vox - Jesse Michaels (Common Rider)*
Lead Guitar - Ezra (Choking Victim)
Drums - Bob Trondson (Blue Meanies)
Special (used sparingly)- Voodoo Glow Skulls Horn Section

*yes, I Know Jesse and Matt were together in Op Ivy but that band broke up in 89 and since neither one has done anything with the other since LOOP HOLE!

Just what the Funk Doctor ordered

2010-08-25T04:00:00.004-04:00

This is more of a follow up to the last written blog entry from a couple weeks ago. This is my new go to song.

Creatively Stumped 6 - Inception Spoiler Talk

2010-08-22T17:42:00.001-04:00

Hey! remember us?

Nights Like This...

2010-08-01T03:47:00.002-04:00

I should have an emergency bottle of scotch on hand at all times because...damn. It started at work as most of these things do. I had a drink and was about to have another when across the room boisterous drunks broke out and flooded every ear in the room with what they do best, being fucking annoying. That and given that my two particular co-workers were at odds and both in moods I said "fuck this, I'm heading home." That's when everything started. I walked to the bus stop and missed the first bus there so I waited the fifteen minutes for the other one. Given it's Philadelphia on a Saturday/Sunday at 2 am (as soon as the bars close) a flood of even more annoying drunks came out of the wood work. There were mobs of obnoxious people picking fights with other obnoxious people, even more people just shouting, one or two standing on cars. In fact the only sweet hearted thing I saw that kept me from wanting to castrate all of humanity was a girl fell flat on her face and her boyfriend lovingly picked her up, dusted her off, and a couple women in a car at the red light poked out and said "are you okay sweetie?". At that the boyfriend, with a warm and slightly embarrassed smile, just lovingly said "yeah we're fine" and escorted his girlfriend the rest of the way home. Shortly afterwards the bus came and was quiet and welcoming. I got off at my stop, which, is still in town but certainly far away from the mobs in center city, and then even more drunks came by, this time in cars. There was honking, screaming out the window, some girls tried to get my attention by revving their engine and honking and I just hung my head, ignored them, and kept on my usual feverish pace. 30 minutes later I got home, was welcomed by a puddle of dog piss on the carpet, the dog doing her "will I or won't I go in" game after I let her out, and then she ran in and dragged her ass on the carpet in a panic because somehow she got a paint chip stuck to it. End Scene.
This is where I look back on that last paragraph and just think...WHY!? Why must people make asses of themselves? Why must everyone be so fucking miserable in their own lives they have to make everyone around them miserable as well? Why in the fuck am I still living in such a concentration of liars, thieves, loud mouths, and very very amateur drunks? I don't understand it and never will. Yes I've made an ass out of myself plenty of times, but never ever to the extent that I perceived every single goddamn mouth breather I came across tonight. The ONLY thing that is keeping me grounded in reality and not in fever dreams where I commit mass genocide are the little things such as the couple I saw at the bus stop I mentioned, and two women on the bus playing with a bubble gun...Thank you, I needed this.

Main Stream Producers and Filmmakers Change Strategies

2010-07-01T04:49:00.002-04:00

LOS ANGELES - Hollywood has decided to change its strategy to disenfranchise America's younger population. A current trend in movies, as many casual and critical film goers know, has been live action reboots and reinterpretations of familiar and well loved pop culture icons such as The Transformers and GI:Joe. Though monetary gain from these franchises has been great, Hollywood producers and studio executives feel "unfulfilled" as one source, a producer who has demanded to remain anonymous, has claimed. The source went on to say, "The problem with the 21-30 demographic, the kids who remember and care about these franchises, is by the time the average American is eighteen or twenty, he or she has most likely graduated High School and/or college and is already jaded and disenfranchised with the world. As businessmen, we need to start the process at a younger age, we need to start showing younger kids that the world is a harsh place but there is nothing they can do about it. That early complacency is key to future economic stability."

The most recent film to capitalize on this idea has been M. Night Shyamalan's The Last Airbender a live action remake of the now famous cartoon Avatar:The Last Airbender which aired on Nickelodeon from 2005 to 2008. With its balance of dense narrative, darker themes, rich character development, martial arts action, and comedy, the cartoon has received high praise from critics, parents, and children alike and quickly became one of Nickelodeon, and it's parent company Viacom's, most successful franchises to date.
"[Avatar]has made us a ton of money in merchandise and viewership." said a representative from Viacom, "The problem was the show was too good. It blurred the lines of good and evil, black and white, and just made kids think too much. We received calls and emails from teachers and parents complaining that their children and students started asking too many questions. Take this scenario for instance. A third grade teacher in Arkansas wrote us an email in 2006 complaining that her student, an avid fan of Avatar:The Last Airbender, started questioning Columbus's discovery of America. He equated the idea of the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Marina landing in the West Indes to an early episode of the show where Prince Zuko and a Fire Nation ship land on the shores of the Southern Water Tribe demanding the tribe bring him the Avatar. In that first season Zuko is the main bad guy! We can't have our children thinking Columbus was a bad guy. That would undermine the very fabric of this country. Imagine what that student thought, a couple years later, when he saw Zuko become a good guy. He must have been so confused. The gray areas in this series are catastrophic to the fragile psyche of the American Youth. That's where M. Night came in."

M. Night Shyamalan has admitted in interviews to be a fan of Avatar: The Last Airbender because his children, also avid fans, watched the show religiously. Though Shyamalan has seen success with his movies and was nominated for Best Original Screenplay for his 1999 film The Sixth Sense his later and most recent works have often been ridiculed by movie goers and critics. The Viacom representative said this "When we heard Shemelon was a fan of the show, it was like a gigantic weight lifted off our shoulders. "Let's have HIM make a movie out of it! Surely if anyone can screw this franchise up it's him." I heard one of the execs say at one of quarterly meetings. On a slightly related note, that same exec just watched Lady in the Water the night prior. So we pushed Bryan [Konietzko] and Michael [DiMartino], the creators, to let Shamalama make the movie and the rest is history. We didn't need to do anything, we just let M. Night have full control and we knew it would be just what the doctor ordered.

Four years later The Last Airbender has hit theaters with much criticism. Critics such as Robert Ebert are already calling it "an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented." While still others say "it is a new low for Shyamalan."

"We know its crap, plain and simple, but we also know that these kids we're trying to set right are going to make their parents buy tickets and give us money so it's a win-win situation no matter how poor the movie is." said the Viacom representative.

How does it fit into Hollywood's new plan though? To find out just how effective this new direction is in creating apathy and complacency in younger children, Paramount Pictures, the studio who released this movie and another subsidiary of Viacom interviewed parents and children after a surprise, early screening of The Last Airbender at the Bridge Theater in Shyamalan's home city of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. A parent who took her child to the screening was quoted in saying "I don't understand it, my seven year old son was so energetic and happy to see this movie, now he's just confused and sad. It's like he's a whole other person." Another parent said "My ten year old daughter just loves the character of Katara [one of the protagonists in the show and movie], she thinks she is such a strong and motherly character, always looking after Aang [the main protagonist]and the other down and out characters. She liked Katara so much that after the episode when Katara learns she has healing abilities, my girl went up to me and said "Mommy, I want to be a doctor, so I can heal and help people just like Katara does." but after the movie, her eyes were glossed over and glassy and she just stared in the middle darkness. When I asked if she wanted her doll to play doctor with, she just snatched the doll out of my hand and threw it into the street.I've never seen anything like it." One of our own reporters, also at the screening, was able to get permission to ask one of the children what they thought of the movie but all the child said was "Man alone suffers so excruciatingly in the world that he was compelled to invent laughter."

"Mission Accomplished!" said the anonymous producer from Hollywood,"This is fantastic news. We have many more movies in the works. 80s nostalgia is old hat, those kids are lost causes. It's time we set our sights to the 90s and the Aughts. I overheard a guy from Time-Warner talking about a gritty Freakazoid reboot at a Starbucks but I didn't think it would fly. "Too recent" I thought. Jokes on me, hell, Avatar:The Last Airbender is just two years old. New episodes were being made when the movie script was being written. This is a great day for all of us."

8 Mutants Killed in Gunbattle at Afghan Airport

2010-06-30T12:51:00.002-04:00

KABUL, Afghanistan - Mutants set off a car bomb and stormed the entrance to a major NATO air base in eastern Afghanistan on Wednesday, authorities said. Eight of the beasts died in the failed assault. The CHUD (Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers) Nation has taken full responsibility. This is the third ground attack from "the Nation" (as supporters and members informally call it) on NATO forces since drilling in the Middle East disturbed their home in early May. Using light weapons, and rocket-propelled grenades the mutants battled U.S. and Afghan forces for 30 minutes around the airport on the outskirts of Jalalabad city, the media office at the airport said.

"The beasts were not able to breach the perimeter. They were fought off by Coalition and Afghan forces." German army Brig. Gen. Josef Blotz, a spokesman for NATO, told reporters, "We've seen a lot out here this past decade. Car bombs, suicide bombers, and men and women who are civilian one second, enemy insurgent the next. The Middle East has always been a hot bed of violence and blurred lines. There is nothing these Humanoid Cannibals can throw at us that we haven't already seen."

A letter written on skin was sent to the Associated Press that said six suicide CHUD scouts killed 32 Coalition and Afghan forces at the airport about 80 miles east of the Afghan capital. The Nation often claims higher numbers in deaths than the official toll.

In an unrelated incident in East Afghanistan last week, a United States soldier was dragged underground and is considered missing in action. This brings the possible American death toll to 59 in June.

At a Press conference held shortly after the most recent attack, when asked about the addition of the CHUD Nation to an already volatile situation in Afghanistan American General David H. Petraeus, who recently was put in command of Afghan forces, had no comment.

A Bonding Moment With Dad

2010-06-24T17:34:00.002-04:00

Dad- Son, out of my brothers and I, who do you think is the smartest?

me- I don't know, umm...Uncle ------?

D- Actually it's your Uncle ---, he's an accomplished scientist. Now, second question, who do you think has the biggest dick?

m- ...you mean second biggest?

D- (nods approvingly)Good answer

Music Review: Gogol Bordello "Trans-Continental Hustle"

2010-06-03T03:40:00.002-04:00

I know I promised beer reviews but I haven't been able to sit down and get a good thing going with those so we'll call those on Hiatus right now. That said, here's a review for the new Gogol Bordello album Trans-Continental Hustle.

For those of you not familiar with the band, here's a quick synopsis of what they are. Take a bunch of Eastern European immigrants, give them a mix of folk instruments (accordion, violin, etc.) and electric guitars and shove them into the modern day NYC punk rock scene. You have the lead singer Eugene Hűtz, an energetic, quarter Romany descendant from Ukraine who is a much better show man than singer and a mix match of other Gypsies and outcasts having a good time and playing music that's a mix of folk, kleizmer, punk rock, dub, hip hop, Balkan brass, what have you. They came on the scene in the early aughts and broke out with their second full length album and my personal favorite of there's Multi Kontra Culti vs. Irony since then they've received a lot more attention through use on music soundtracks (Everything is Illuminated and Wristcutters: a Love Storyare two that come to mind)and playing festivals like Lollapalooza and Bonnaroo. Now that introductions are done, here's the review.

In a few words "it's Gogol Bordello", in one word "tired". While most bands I've listened to and still do try to tweak their formula with every album to produce something fresh, Gogol Bordello is sticking to the same coattails that have carried them since their third album Gypsy Punks:Underdog World Strike which, while sounding a bit apart from Multi Kontra, still offered a pretty good range of memorable songs and pretty solid messages in some of them. In their following album Super Taranta they returned back to sounding a lot more like Multi Kontra which was nice but a couple songs irked me the wrong way. Trans-Continental Hustle isn't terrible, just over all pretty forgettable. Hell, I've been listening to it this entire review and already I forget most of what I've just heard. I don't buy albums very much, but when I see something from a band I've always loved and supported (i.e. when I saw the most recent offering from Gorillaz Plastic Beach I picked it up immediately) I drop the money I could have otherwise saved by pirating it offline and hold my breath. Trans-Continental Hustle is the weakest offering from Gogol Bordello, flat, which isn't saying it's bad, just they're totally capable of better stuff, I've heard it. Keeping with my rating system from the last music review (Full Price, Buy Used, Download, Fuck It) this is a solid Download if you're a fan of the band. If you haven't heard them, skip this and buy their first two Voi-La Intruder and/or, and I'll drop the name of the album again Multi Kontra Culti vs. Irony.

Track List
1. Pala Tute
2. My Companjera
3. Sun is on My Side
4. Rebellious Love
5. Immigraniada (We Comin' Rougher)
6. When Universes Collide
7. Uma Menina
8. Raise the Knowledge
9. Last One Goes the Hope
10. To Rise Above
11. In the Meantime in Pernambuco
12. Break the Spell
13. Trans-Continental Hustle

Origilio Beer Distro Event: Full Report

2010-05-19T23:30:00.002-04:00

It's been a couple days but here it finally is. Sunday afternoon Doobie's Bar descended on Origlio Beer Distributor in the far North East of Philadelphia for a trade event. There were at least 30 or 40 brewers there, live music, and free (and really good)food. Here's a recap of everything I tried with a couple formal reviews of the couple beers I especially loved. First, the list, I tried to look up what I could but some beers don't have all the info on the brewer website. Starred beers have full review. Oh, and all percents are ABV, not ABW. Not that too many people state side use ABW...unless their weirdos. This is just a breeze through if anyone has any questions on the beers I'm not featuring in full reviews just ask.

Arcadia
Sky High Rye - Rye Pale Ale
*Whitsun Ale - Spring/Summer - Whit Beer 6.2%

Atlantic Brewing- Bar Harbor
Island Ginger - Ginger Wheat
Coal Porter - Porter

Dock St. Brewing
Summer Session - Session Ale - 5%

Dogfish Head
Midas Touch - Ancient Turkish...thing - 9%

Great Divide Brewing
*Yeti - Imperial Stout - 9.5%

Great Lakes Brewing
Burning River - Pale Ale - 6%
Eliot Ness - Amber Lager - 6.2%

Heavy Seas
Marzen - Marzen - 5.75%
Peg Leg - Imperial Stout - ~8%

Lagunitas
Hop Stoopid - 8%

La Rossa
Old Speckled Hen

Magner's
Magner's Irish Cider - Hard Cider

Oskar Blues
Gordon Pale - Pale Ale - 6.5%

Sam Adams
Coastal Wheat - Hef - 5.3%

Sly Fox
Saison Vos - Belgian Style Saison - 6.9%

Spaten
Optimator - Doppel Bock - 7.2% (this one actually may be ABW but it's the only number the website gave me)

Stone Brewery
Levitation - Amber Ale - 4.4%

Troubador
Gulden Draak

21st Amendment Brewery
Brew Free or Die - IPA - 7%

Weyerbacher
*Blithering Idiot - Barley Wine - 11.1%

Whew, that was a lot. That's It for now, I had a couple more but they were international and only had the name of the Importer, not the brewery. I'll get to the formal reviews later. As for now I've been on the road all day and I'm exhausted. Good Night

Rock Tumbler

2010-05-17T04:01:00.004-04:00

When I was little my brother got a rock tumbler as a present. It was one of those little, battery powered plastic ones that came with some pre-packed stones to polish with that vinegary solution and with a little book on what to look for and false promises of finding real gem stones in your own back yard. I only remember him using it once or twice then it was in boxes for years until it was thrown away.
Flash to years later and to when I was in High School. Like many, there were a few people I related to and a couple (literally) of which I still call friend. Now, most of the time I'm completely satisfied with this, my life is affected but by no means dictated by those years. Every so often though and after a couple drinks and introspection I go on that hideous bitch goddess facebook and go through my friends list and try to reconnect with one or two individuals I haven't spoken to let alone seen in years. It never works out and I should by now know it never does, but hell, maybe one of these days it'll be worth a shot, or at least that's what the boose tells me. Usually though I just end up reinforcing my beliefs that people suck and those I thought I had a genuine connection with five years ago show their true eroded and washed out colors. I don't know if it's a matter of my bridge burning, things I've done in the past, or just how peoples' experiences just can either break down or build their characters but whenever I try to "reconnect" it ends up augmenting my feeling of "there's a reason you lost contact with them." I think what hurts the most is the disappointment in people I thought were solid and how, through a series of life's events, they've lost the very qualities that drew me to them in the first place. Sure, for all I know I could be the asshole that skipped out on them so they're pissed at me; as critical as I am on myself it's really difficult to be able to go against my belief that I am, while by no means the best, a relatively good person. Everyone changes, it's inevitable, I just wish there was more of a balance of being able to keep true to oneself while chipping away the gritty bits to allow more admirable luster to shine through. That fucking rock tumbler never did work right.

Severed Thumbs: Exit Through the Gift Shop

2010-05-04T22:35:00.001-04:00

I'm a huge fan of Banksy. I believe all of his work his meaningful, witty, gorgeous, and tongue in cheek hilarious. Naturally, when I heard he released a movie I had to see it. That movie is Exit Through the Gift Shop

So just a bit of background for those who don't know Banksy. Banksy is a UK based street artist who is infamous for his stencil work, installations, and privacy. Nobody except a very select few have heard his voice and seen his face. Here's one of my favorites of his.

Now that the introductions are over, here's the movie. The movie is a documentary that Banksy made about Thierry Guetta, a not even amateur French film maker turned street artist. As Banksy put it, Thierry was looking for him and trying to make a documentary on him. Banksy took the project and made the doc about Thierry because he is much more interesting. It started in the early Aughts when Thierry's cousin "Space Invader", a street artist, took him on a couple outings when Thierry was visiting family in France. Thierry, who always had a video camera on him at all times, came on the night runs and fell in love with the movement. Eventually Thierry gets sucked into the street art world and becomes its unofficial documenter. He travels the world taping and aiding famous street artists such as Ron English (known for his work in the movie Super Size Me )and Shepard Fairey (Obey). This goes on for a couple years but Thierry does absolutely nothing with the footage. Enter master artist Banksy, who learns of Thierry on a run in LA. They get to know each other, become friends, then a series of events turns Thierry into a street artist by the name of "Mr. Brainwash" who sells out so bad he makes Gene Simmons look like a starving artist. Take note, this synopsis does absolutely no justice to this film NONE. To anyone familiar with Banksy's work or just those even a bit curious, this is a definite must see. There's a lot of speculation on whether or not this is in fact a true doc or, in typical Banksy style, something much much more. See it, laugh, cry, get pissed, and judge. 6 out of 6

Love, Ire & Prose

2010-04-11T03:59:00.003-04:00

"Once, we were young. We were crass enough to care but I guess you live and learn, and we won't make that mistake again." -from "Love Ire and Song" by Frank Turner

I'm only 23, but those words sum up my twenties thus far. In the past three years I've cared, I've acted, and I've received nothing but disappointment. Usually given what I've seen, my form of jaded usually takes longer than that but I suppose I've had extreme measures and too much time to be introspective. I went to protests, I read the literature, I lived in West Philly, I did Food Not Bombs. The protests were poorly run, the lit was boring, the guy I lived with in West Philly was insane, and my reasons for leaving FnB are too long winded to fit in a parallel sentence structure. I still fervently support the group and the work it does, but yeah, long winded. These last five years, and I say five because everything started to go to shit February of 2005, have been a mix of culture shock, isolation, lost friends, confusion, and disillusion. It's as if I've done more growing up in five years than a lot of people I know do in a life time. I know life isn't supposed to be easy, but it feels like I've consistently been walking up a seventy degree slope with two tons of baggage on my back. I'm not depressed, just gaunt and frustrated. I know I'm too analytical about everything but I just can't seem to relax anymore, let things be, and get behind a cause. That's what used to fuel me, being able to get flustered enough and get behind a cause but every single one I've supported has been flawed. My first real defeat in this respect was two years ago. I took a stab at vegetarianism because I found out what the meat companies were doing with people, both customers and employees. One year later I learned that 80% of food in this country comes from the same four or five companies. I was shattered; Makiya was there with me and saw the defeat in my face. I will never forget that night and everything since has followed the same path. My life hasn't been much different so far really. A vicious cycle of disappointment after disappointment and disillusionment after disillusionment. I've managed to cope with most things but some nights like tonight the zippers on the baggage break and everything scatters.
I know everything sucks and it could always get much worse, but I'm pissed dammit. We all grew up thinking that the world is filled with possibility and with hard work and determination you will succeed, but all that optimism is eroding away and what's being left is just a jagged shell of bitterness covering a core of knowledge that the world our ancestors and previous generations left us is complete shit. A world where corruption and apathy towards others reins supreme and anyone with any feeling other than complacency towards an obviously broken system is thrown to the fucking dogs. I think that's what gets me the most about everything, complacency. That's what angers me the most, that feeling that so many people have that everything will work out and we'll all be taken care of, so why be a rabblerouser? I've been guilty of it myself and it's repugnant. When I see myself doing that I look at my own reflection and spit on it. It's another cycle, I get jaded, I get complacent, then I get pissed off, find a cause, learn it's flawed, then back to being jaded. I need to find a way to break the cycle at "find a cause" then stick with it.

"So come on let's be young, let's be crass enough to care
Let's refuse to live and learn, let's make all our mistakes again yes
And then darling, just for one day, we can fight and we can win"

2010-02-13T18:27:00.001-05:00

Tops of the Aughts #2-1

Creatively Stumped

Recipe Corner: HamBurzums

2010-02-02T15:46:00.003-05:00

2lbs chuck
1 egg
1 tsp. bread crumbs
1/2 onion diced
1 T old bay
1 t chipotle powder
1 t garlic
1 t black pepper

Dice onions and set aside then mix together beef, egg, and breadcrumbs. Add onions and spices then fold and mix beef until everything is well blended. Press into patties then set aside for a couple minutes on parchment paper until dry skillet or grill is hot. Then all you need to do is cook them up and eat them.

Episode 3 part 2

2010-01-14T03:22:00.001-05:00

Tops of the Aughts: #5-3 (1/13/2010)

Creatively Stumped

Severed Thumbs: The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus

2010-01-11T22:46:00.008-05:00

It's been a while since I've done one of these. That doesn't mean I haven't watched any good movies lately, I just haven't felt like writing about them. This movie on the other hand I've received requests to review it (okay, so just one) so here we go; this is The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus.

So, what happens when you combine Terry Gilliam's imagery(Brazil, Time Bandits, 12 Monkeys, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, etc.), Heath Ledger's last performance, Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Ferrel doing their best Heath Ledger impersonations, a decent story and top it off with Tom Waits playing the devil? Well sheer wonderment of course...unless you're a damned Nazi. The movie has been completed for well over a year now but it didn't see even a limited release in the States until this past Christmas. We start off with the immortal Dr. Parnassus (Christopher Plummer), a mystic who runs a sideshow with his 16 year old daughter Valentina (Lily Cole), a former street rat named Anton (Andrew Garfield), and everyone's favorite go to dwarf, Verne Troyer. Through a series of bets with the Devil, called Mr. Nick (Tom Waits) Dr. Parnassus is in a contest to see who can get the most souls via a magical mirror that transports people into the good Doctor's mind where their wildest fantasies (or nightmares) are shown. In this fantastical world the contestants are shown two choices that either lead toward enlightenment or carnal desires. Enlightened souls go to the Doctor, carnal bastards go to Mr. Nick. Eventually it comes down to one last bet, the winner gets The Doctor's daughter, first to five souls in two days wins. In the mean time they run across Tony (Heath Ledger) whom they rescue from certain death. Tony is a suave, charming, young business type who knows how to persuade people (especially women.) Through a series of events Tony falls in love with Valentina, learns about the wager, and has some ideas to help out. He almost succeeds but some surprises from his past catch up and complicate matters; what follows is both heart warming and twisted in the usual Gilliam manner.
This movie is one of the best I've seen in the last couple years and though I wouldn't rank it up with Pan's Labyrinth (see Creatively Stumped episode 3 part 2) It's still really up there especially since Gilliam's last two releases (Tideland and Brother's Grimm) have been less than spectacular. My favorite aspect is how they managed to finish it up without Heath (for example of how not to do it, see a movie that had similar problems with main actors dying, 1994's The Crow.) The transitions between Heath and the other three actors who played Tony were seamless, which also brought more depth to the character because to me it seemed each actor represented another aspect of Tony's personality with Heath being the whole, now THAT'S clever screen writing. The rest of the casting was spot on especially Tom Waits' portrayal of Mr. Nick not as a terrible person but more of a business man and gambler, which is precisely how I always thought of the devil. Is this my favorite Gilliam Film? It comes close, but it's hard to beat Brazil. It is up there though with the rest of the movies that have really had an effect on me. That's why I give Dr. Parnassus 6 out of 6 severed thumbs.

FIRE YOUR DESIGNER!- Issue 2: 2009 Penny

2009-12-30T18:34:00.004-05:00

{Editor's Note: I had to make corrections to this. The building was not the memorial but the Illinois capitol building. Also I failed to look it up before but apparently this is a part of a series of pennies about Lincoln's life, it's his bicentennial or something. Still sucks though.}

We've all seen pennies, some of us may or may not have even shoved them up our ass at one time or another in order to get a one up on someone (anyone?...please?). Growing up in this country, there are certain things we as citizens just kind of get used to. In the past 10 years the US Mint has been trying to reinvent itself to some degree of success. The state quarters were a pretty neat idea when they started coming out and the presidential dollars now allow me to carry James K. Polk, and eventually Taft, with me wherever I go. The warm and more likely just innocuous reception of these is because it's something just new enough that people will say "neat" for a second then carry on. Another very important difference is those other coins were just well done. The US Mint just released a penny though that, while it's not offensive by any means, just makes me replace that "neat" with "the fuck?".

My god...GIANT ZOMBIE LINCOLN HAS COME TO ENSLAVE US ALL!!!!!

This is just another one of those things that a lot of designers just call "overkill." How many times can we put something related to Lincoln on a small metal disc and just release it to the public as (be it useless) currency? I see what they were trying to do, and I know Lincoln is supposed to be in the foreground but it would've been must better if they just completely kept the second Lincoln out of the picture and just had the Illinois Capitol Building. Hell, Lincoln even looks like an after thought. This is very possibly the worst juxtaposition of any presidential figure to anything. Woodrow Wilson at a Klan rally would not only probably look better but make more sense (little known fact: Wilson actually was a very outspoken white supremacist.) It looks like the client saw the beautiful building etching, said "that's nice, but people are dumb GIVE ME MORE LINCOLN! and the designer, fed up with client, just put him in there as a very last ditch thought and the client said "fantastic, right in the viewers face THE VERY EMBODIMENT OF THE AMERICAN WAY!!! Hell, half the time people don't even look at these things anyway." You know what US Mint? I do, and that is why you should fire your designer.

Seriously, doubly now because this is the second screw up this year. Stick to what you folks know, please, this country is enough of a mockery as it is.

Creatively Stumped: ep. 3 Best of the Aughts part 1

2009-12-29T18:35:00.004-05:00

also available on iTunes

Babel Fish Telephone: or why Babel Fish doesn't work.

2009-12-18T04:57:00.004-05:00

Here's an experiment I've been doing for a while when it's late, there's no good skin flicks on, and I just feel like fucking around with something that is not called a "power tool." For as long as I can remember there has been an online service called "Babel Fish." This is an online service (named after the "Hitchhiker's Guide" creature of the same name) that originally started as an alta vista website (geez, when was the last time anyone ever heard that name?) and now it's a yahoo service. Pretty much you type in a phrase and you can translate through several languages. The thing is, it's not very good, observe a little exercise of telephone. I started out this journey by typing in a simple phrase "I enjoy cake with my tea." in english.

simple enough, so I then translated it to English's closest language cousin, German.

So far so good, it seems like it could be what I initially wrote because it has a close number of words. I didn't test it out, but I'm going to assume that says "I enjoy cake with my tea." in German. Then I "translated" from German to French.

This is when things seem to get weird. Now, my limited knowledge of French tells me that sentence structure is very different between germanic and romance languages, but as far as number count goes this just turned from a simple sentence to something illegible. Let's throw in a curve ball and translate from French to Dutch.

Wow, personally I'm almost frightened to see what in the fuck that even says. So, that said let's get back to jolly old English.

Yup, just what I expected. This is like a Bizarro version of the game "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" where you have to try to get as far away as possible to the original phrase. What started as an innocent enough phrase of "I enjoy cake with my tea." has gone through the channels and become hideous Engrish of utmost proportions and has been raped and pillaged to say "I profited of the cakes of my the." Try it sometime when you're bored, you get especially wonderful results when you go into a completely different alphabet like Greek or Mandarin.

-Jonny Gonzo

Creatively Stumped: ep. 2 Animation

2009-12-16T12:46:00.001-05:00

Resurrecting an Art Form: The Rebirth of Traditional Anim...

Creatively Stumped

First episode: Creatively Stumped

2009-12-08T20:38:00.001-05:00

Nicolas Cage: His Soul Is Still Dancing (12/8/09)

Creatively Stumped

Coming soon

2009-12-04T04:37:00.003-05:00

My dear friend Matt Rosen and I are starting a weekly podcast. First episode is recording Monday and probably will be online Tuesday. The podcast is called "Creatively Stumped" and we will be primarily talking about pop culture and movies. First episode is about Nicholas Cage, stay tuned readers as soon as it's online I'll post it here.

FIRE YOUR DESIGNER!- Issue 1: 2009 Sacagawea Dollar

2009-11-29T16:43:00.006-05:00

As many of you know I used to be a Graphic Design Student, and though I have since left that behind what I learned and that "designer" set of eyes has kept with me like the most tenacious case of herpes. That said, issue 1 of the new blog series "FIRE YOUR DESIGNER!"

In 1999/2000 the US Mint released dollar coins with the face of the American Indian guide Sacagawea. It was a return to dollar coins and the first female (since Susan B.) on the face of a US coin, it was supposed to be huge. What ended up happening was just another way for mass transit to easily make change at ticket machines and the use of these coins, in a couple years fell to, well, use with just mass transit. Since then the US Mint has started releasing dollar coins once again, his time as a series of presidential coins, finally presidents like James K Polk and Taft get their day in the spotlight! In turn they've also revamped and re released the failed Sacagawea dollars with a shinier finish and new back.

There you have it, ain't them purdy? That's the front of them anyway, the problem I have right now is with the back of the new one.
>I first saw these this past week while riding NJT to New Brunswick and something didn't sit right, here's a close up of the back of the new one.
Then it hit me, the font they used in the lettering on the back. It's a cheesy MSword decorative font like that kind used on cheap mexican food places. Take some change out of your pocket and check out the fonts used on most US Currency. Very official looking Serifs and San Serifs right? Then the US mint throws this shit ball font at us and it cheapens the look. My mom said it best when I showed her the coin "is that even real?" I understand what they were thinking when they made this coin, lets be honorable to native cultures in this country and portray a design that coincides with their culture. They could have easily done that by just keeping the very beautiful embossing work on the back (the woman even has tits!) and keeping the standard font used on the rest of US Currency. Instead they took the Disney approach and used that cheese ball font and in turn cheapened an entire culture, and that is why they need to FIRE THEIR DESIGNER!

-Jonny Gonzo

So Starts the Year of the Bastard: A Look at My Depression and Its End

2009-11-27T01:52:00.003-05:00

I've been out of it for a while, all year come to think of it. I've been waiting I suppose, getting steam back, getting on track once again. These past couple months, (okay, august to october) have been pretty fucking tough for me, and the rare occasion this year is November thus far has been my best month. That's normally not strange but for years November for me has been this ominous thing because it's the last full punch in the face from the year. Seriously, most things happen to me in November, I can't explain it. Seasonal depression, confusion, friends getting mugged, losing friends, fights, you name it, chances are it happens to me between the dates of November First and Thirtieth; this year though things have changed in a big way. There's going to be a lot of changes for the better, finally some bloody progress for once. Keep on checking back dear readers, all two of you, it's going to be worth it folks. These next 365 days are going to be The Year of the Bastard.

A Rare Moment of Optimism

2009-11-24T01:18:00.003-05:00

Often I, like many others my age, look at past generations and eras, the events that happened world wide, and feel my generation fell, well, short. We have no great wars, depressions, labor or civil movements, or even music that will alter the world for centuries to come. When I've soaked this in I look at science and technology from the future and believe I'm not going to be there for interstellar travel, non fossil fueled cars let alone flying ones, and cures for cancer and aids. I feel like my generation is stuck in a limbo between two great ages. It's frustrating really, I'm too late for hobos but too early for lightsabers. All the innovations now are stepping stones to bigger things. It is this very idea that gets me thinking, maybe I didn't miss out after all.
I was born in 1987, since then the Berlin Wall fell, hip hop became mainstream, and several small businesses have risen to immense power and choked the life out of Main St., USA. In the past twenty years there have been two unpopular wars in the same region, World Trade collapsed (figuratively and physically), the Internet has taken over and brought forth the rise of independent journalism, and the first black president has been signed into office.
After I contemplate this I then think about what I will see. In the next ten years I am going to first hand experience the death of the newspaper and tiny solar panels that can stay underground and collect energy via a fiber optic wire that are up to six times more efficient than conventional solid panels. We are going to see a rise in fuel efficient cars, Terabytes of data stored on a hair, processors that work almost as quickly as the human mind, and even LED Light Tattoos that glow and shift with the body.
As far as movements there is a very important civil rights movement really taking hold. The Gay and Lesbian Rights Movement grows every day in this country; the demonstrations this autumn alone shows us this and the fervor just keeps on thriving. Race relations, though still not where they should be, are improving every day as well. On top of all this one of the largest revolutions ever in world history, the Information Revolution is in full swing. With internet and mobile technology, ideas, facts, and beliefs are spreading faster than ever. This leads to people all over the world really seeing the truth out there and they're getting pissed.
It's always been easy for me to be cynical, optimism though, especially for society and the human race in its whole entirety has been seemingly lost for quite some time. I now see though what all those folk singers from the 60s I love so much saw, and in turn what the Folk and Blues singers saw in the 20s and 30s. The world is a constantly changing place, and though times can be tough and bleak, dig a bit deeper for that vein of excitement and wonder, and you will see that progress really is coming, and it's just a matter of when the movements of today turn from glaciers to avalanches.

-Jonny Gonzo

It is better to try and to fail than not try at all

2009-11-03T21:03:00.003-05:00

That last post was on a low night. Since then some things have come up that have changed my perspective on my little journey. Sure, I made mistakes, and sure I'm paying for them, but why give up? I try not to look up to sports stars and teams, but a perfect example of this has been the Philadelphia Phillies in this arduous World Series. Down 1-3 games against the Evil Empire that is the NY Yankees, the other night they went on the field, and despite problems, won the game 8 to 6. They are now down by only one game and stand a chance at winning the world series despite great odds against them. They may be losing still but they're doing it with style and are still striving.
Little stories like this are the things that I should take into thought and consideration. I'm going through a stressful period right now, but I've been there before, we all have. I just need to stop getting so down on myself and try to look at things differently. So, followers of the Gonzo, I am apologizing for my recent shit headedness, I assure you things are just going to keep on getting better from here on out.

- Jonny Gonzo

Lamentations of an Introspective Bastard

2009-10-30T05:22:00.002-04:00

Every day as I walk the four miles to work, I can't help but think of what I am, where I've been, and what do I want to do. Has my life really grown so dull that the only company I have is my own thoughts and regrets? I've done a lot of shitty things, never to anyone but to myself. I've made mistakes as anyone does but for some reason I can't help but think of my mistakes as grave. When I turned 18 I wanted to get out of the comfort zone of the town and area I grew up in. Without regard to the people I was leaving behind I fled, yes, fled, to Chicago. I was comfortable, I met several people I'd risk it all for, but six months later I fled again to Philadelphia. Four years and 76 grand in debt later, what do I have to show for it besides burnt bridges and broken promises? I spend my days like any other working stiff just trying to make ends meet, no degree, and increasingly it seems no future. Don't get me wrong, those who I have met and befriended along this path I would never want to forget. This is why it's hard for me, my experiences and the solid people I have met are what keep me from totally regretting my course of actions, but I can't help to think "what if?" What if I stayed in Chicago, what if I didn't even leave for Chicago, what if I didn't drop out of school, and what if I actually took some goddamn initiative and got myself out of this shithole I've dug? That's the real tragedy here, I probably have every opportunity to claw through the sewage and help myself but I increasingly find that there are more blocks along the way. Perhaps this is why I left home and Chicago? I thought things were coming to a dead end and decided to flee, or maybe my mom is right in saying there is a reason for everything. Such is life I suppose, but it's hard to say that when I continuously feel that mine hasn't even started yet.

"Who is the bigger fool? The fool or the fool that follows him?"

Archive '09: Despite Oppressive Heat, Phils-Yanks series gives hope for the fall

2009-10-26T15:00:00.000-04:00

With the recent outcome of the ALCS figured I'd put this up again, this is from May shortly after the Philles/Yanks interleague series. LET THE TURNPIKE SERIES BEGIN!!!!!

Despite Oppressive Heat, Phils-Yanks series gives hope for the fall
-May 25, 2009

The summer's in swing, humidity is ungodly, and the heat is killing me, that's nothing though compared to the fireworks in the Bronx this past weekend. The Phillies ended their 8-2 marvel of a road trip at the New Yankee stadium Sunday to a mixed crowd of Phils and Yanks fans. Despite each fan's affiliation though one thing was on everyone's mind "what a hell of a series." The bats were swinging and despite Lidge's problems both bullpens were on top of their game. You know it was a fantastic couple games when the losing teams fans are even saying "damn that was good."
Is this a sign of things to come? I hope so. Both teams were so equally matched that two out of three games came down to the 9th (and in sunday's case the 10th and 11th.) The working man's ball club showed the nation that they can stand up to the best team money can buy and in turn millions of viewers were able to see some real serious ball being played. Trust me when I say this series made me look forward to more from the team I grew up to love to hate and I hope they make it to the post season, even if it's just to see the Phillies beat them.

Severed Thumbs: Where the Wild Things Are

2009-10-20T19:02:00.001-04:00

Initially "Severed Thumbs" was just going to be for horror movies, but I couldn't think of any other rating system so I'm going to keep with it. As always, I don't know much about film so these reviews are based on pure observation.

I went into Where the Wild Things Are with a couple things to expect. Beautiful landscapes and effects, Spike Jonze, and the expansion of a ten sentence children's book into a two hour movie. I also heard two people's takes on it, one said boring as hell, the other said it was really good. So I insisted on seeing it for myself. It starts out with Max chasing his dog then it goes to him playing in the snow, annoying his big sister, and having her friends get carried away and crushing his soul and his igloo. There's more padding where we see Max's family life, his single mom trying to get it on, and then him being a brat and running away, first quarter of the movie done, now onto the Island.
We first see the wild things bickering amongst themselves because Carol {the main monster?} is destroying their homes. He's blaming everyone for not being there for him and he's all alone. Max relates, helps Carol destroy homes, and then almost gets eaten by the Wild Things before he convinces them he's a king. Then we get a big fun monster romp and everyone falls asleep in a big pile, but not before Max meets K.W. the monster who pissed off Carol because she has new friends. K.W. is a voice of reason in the otherwise hectic world of caricatures of different moods and types of children. Then we are introduced to the rest of the Wild Things before Carol and Max tour the kingdom in a huge montage to hip, Karen O stylings, Second Quarter of Movie and first half done.
Second half starts with Carol showing Max his secret place and giant diorama including miniatures of all the Wild Things. At this moment I was expecting Judge Frollo to come in but instead Max and Carol decide to make a huge fortress and playground where everyone will be happy. Construction goes great, everyone's happy and... MONTAGE!!! At this moment, Max and K.W. have been getting closer and Max is having doubts about this King Business so She takes Max to see her two muppets...i mean...friends. They "talk" and K.W. brings her friends back with them. Carol gets jealous and so ends 3/4 of the movie.
Last 1/4 of the movie hell breaks loose. There's a dirt clod war turned sour, The Wild Things get restless, Max admits he's not a king, and Carol goes crazy. The Kingdom Crumbles, Max decides to go home, and I'm getting exhausted just writing this, end credits.
It's not that this was a bad movie. It was beautifully done, the imagery was fantastic, and it had some good messages. The Wild Things were personifications of all of Max's lesser qualities and he learned to cope with his own feelings in seeing these things act foolish. The biggest weakness of this movie (besides Karen O's ear piercing Warble) was it's length. Those very same messages the movie conveyed in 2 hours it could have more effectively conveyed in 90 minutes. This movie's saving graces were it's imagery and it's ability to dig deep into the soul and bring out the darker sides of child hood. Growing up I didn't have many friends. I lived in the woods, and when I moved out of the woods and to Jersey I just felt out of place. I didn't find anywhere to fit in until my Senior Year of High School. This movie brought back those feelings of loneliness and confusion. When most people say they feel like a kid again they remember summers from school, fun with friends, and not having a care. I think of feeling out of place, questioning everything, and an unparalleled awkwardness toward the world around me, and that's why I give this movie 4 out of 6 Severed Thumbs.

Severed Thumbs: Zombieland

2009-10-07T04:29:00.002-04:00

So before I start I'm going to just get some things straight. I know very little about film, my reviews are based on what I see and what I like and nothing else. My rating system is based off of what I perceive; as a disclaimer *and anyone who has known me long or well enough will agree to this* take whatever I say with a whole bloody shaker of salt. Now that that's done, ZOMBIELAND!

Okay so I'm going to start with the first 10 minutes of the movie and my experiences and go from there.

"cool, i like where this is headed. It takes place 2 months after the zombie apocalypse, I like the main character's rules."

*"For Whom the Bell Tolls" by Metallica starts to play, opening credits start*

"...this is fucking bangarang."

That said, Zombieland is a movie about 4 people who meet up in a post-apocalyptic world run by zombies. How they meet up? I refuse to say, there's going to be a lot of that in this review. So take "Wristcutters: A love Story", "Shaun of the Dead", and Woody Harrelson being a complete fucking bad ass and you have Zombieland. The Horror is there, the comedy is a nice after thought, and the movie is fantastically made and on such a small budget. The Make up effects are pretty standard for the zombie genre but there's one thing this movie has that others don't and that's *drum roll* FAT ZOMBIES! It makes perfect sense, dudes who can't run from a horde of flesh hungry former friends and family would be the first to go.
Now on to the characters. The narrator is Columbus, a 20 something year old shut in virgin who spent his entire life indoors. No Friends, no family, just Mountain Dew Code Red and World of Warcraft. His wits and cowardice have been his greatest assets in this Zombie World and he's survived because of them. He Meets up with Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) who has nothing left to live for besides twinkies and the idea of he's a pro at killing zombies. They meet up with Hot Chick (Wichita) and Little Girl from "Little Miss Sunshine" (Little Rock) and there we go, buddy road comedy in the making...with zombies. Don't let this lame synopsis fool you though, this movie is a must have in any zombie collection. I'm not exaggerating when I say this is up there with Evil Dead 2 and Shaun of the Dead (actually, the director Ruben Fleischer was inspired to make "Zombieland" when he saw "Shaun of the Dead".) The characters fit so well, you have the paranoid, Caulrophobic voice of reason, the Bad ass Shit Kicker, the Crafty hot chick and her 12 going on 30 little sister. This rounds out our family that we as viewers follow the whole movie.
What I especially loved about this movie is it takes place after the Zombie Apocalypse. These are the only 4 Humans we see in this desolate wasteland the entire movie. It's not "this shit is coming down and it's heavy" it's "this shit came down, now what?" Survival horror at its finest. I laughed, I cried, and there was just the right amount of gore and jumping from my seat. 5 out of 6 Severed Thumbs.

Change Will Only Come to those Who Open the Eyes of the Willingly Blind

2009-09-28T05:08:00.002-04:00

I've been trying to keep up with the news on the protests that occurred at G-20. There was one protest that erupted in a big way, a bunch of Pitt Students and a CNN reporter got gassed and arrested. It's unfortunate yes, but I say it was a sign of success. In every protest/revolution/etc. there is one fact that a lot of people overlook, and that is, to make prominent change one must involve the middle class, the voters, the populace who otherwise don't know what is going on. I repeat myself, yes, but I can't think of any other way to put it, The Willingly Blind.
I've been to several protests myself, and for the longest time I was weekly helping a group called Food Not Bombs. I tried my hardest to submerse myself in that culture but that was the one trend I could not help but see. A lot of these groups have the right idea, their heart is in the right place, but overall it comes down to one fatal flaw, you're preaching to the choir. Food Not Bombs for instance is a world wide group that cooks vegan and vegetarian food for the homeless in metropolitan areas. They do so by donations from supermarkets, dock workers, pretty much anyone with perfectly fine vegetables that are not otherwise "fit" to be sold to people. They are not a non-profit group, at least in the eyes of the law, and for the most part it's a group of people who share similar ideals who do something great for the world and make damn sure it's in plain, public view. My reasons for ending my tenure with the group are my own, but there is a problem with this otherwise fantastic group and it's the same problem that many movements meet, and that is both its strong point and weakness. Simply, it's a group of like minded people that are dissenting while becoming prone to the very same trends that say, the republican party fall prey to.
Everyone is so like minded, and so agreeable that barely any growth comes out of it. Sure, it's in a public place, especially in the case of the group I was in. We served in a very touristy, middle/upper class area, but the people who lived and visited either just didn't give a damn, or were so foreign to the idea of helping people that they were completely disgusted by the display of hope and good will that they would call the police. In a country founded by these ideals it is now just a cruel, dog eat dog world. It's like when I walk down the street and hold doors open for people going into buildings that I myself am not going into. They get repulsed! Especially women, because in this society, especially on the East Coast, we are so jaded with these ideals, that we get scared and uncomfortable. This leads me to my point, it is not the groups that fail, never, it is that we live in a world where being a Good Samaritan is either considered a sign of weakness, or it's so foreign to people that they get scared and think "he/she's being nice, what are their real intentions?"
It's repugnant, it really is, I'm prone to it as well, If I see a lost child crying for their parents, I'm afraid, because I wonder what are people going to think? Maybe I'm a molester, maybe I'm trying to hurt the kid. Luckily I'm young enough now that there's the off chance that people will think he/she's my younger sibling, or given how the world is now, my son/daughter, but in 10 or 15 years? What then? But I have greatly digressed. What people need to do is they have to make their cause and actions acceptable to the middle/upper classes, the group that society deems "fit" to have a word. Sure, the constitution has changed, but the ideas of the founding fathers are still strong. Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of happiness...if you are white, male, middle aged and own land. What we blue shirts need to do is try to set aside our class biases even for a moment and try, and I mean really TRY (trust me, it's hard) to make our causes and ideals known to that "Higher Class". We need to package them in such a palatable way, without sugar coating the real story, so it's easier to swallow and maybe then we can have some sort of unity.

-Jonny Gonzo

Is it ever sunny in Philadelphia?

2009-09-26T17:46:00.003-04:00

Everyday the city is under my feet and everyday I get more disgusted at the cruel display that unfolds. Walking to work is like walking through a safari. Savages are all around me, like rich slobs on the backs of slaves looking for that next big kill. Anger has been taking over kindness and humanity is standing on a powder keg. In the few years I've been here there has always been a balance of bad vibes but this year things are getting...heavier. The snake is starting to bite its own tail and a cycle of tensions and violence is quickly closing in. Then again, it could have always been like this and I'm just now starting to see the true demonic face of the situation. A city found on revolutionary ideals of freedom from oppression is nothing more than the butt of barbarous jokes. Corruption and death has sullied the name of the city and the few people that see it are too busy bitching amongst themselves to accomplish anything. Is there really an American Dream anymore? People from all around emigrate to this country with those hopes but they are soon shattered by a juggernaut of greed and complacency, but then again, perhaps that is the American Dream. As a great writer once said "In a nation ruled by swine, all pigs are upward mobile." With the right set of eyes, one can see the high water mark of this atrocity before the real wave hits. I feel, if the tsunami of filth and broken dreams is going to come to that mark, it'll be right here at Independence Hall. Where the poetry of old world ideals and the disease of new world reality mingle in such balance that no one will even know what happened.

it's been a while

2009-09-16T04:57:00.003-04:00

Alright, alright, fine, you've twisted my arm, I'll start writing again. It's been a while since I've written anything, even longer for anything substantial. Pretty much lately I've been sticking to beer and book reviews but not so much in what I want to do which is investigative journalism. I have several ideas, the easiest being a report on "for profit" schools and student loans. I want to do this because this is something that I have regrettably become very very familiar with. I already have several friends who want to help me with interviews and resources so hot damn! Currently I'm in my own battles with the financial Juggernaut (IT'S THE JUGGERNAUT BITCH AND I GOT A BITCH WITH ME!) known as Sallie Mae. Apparently in 2007, Junior passed a law stating any loans signed for after 2006 were susceptible to the College Cost Reduction Act (CCRA) meaning, given one's income the loanee is only responsible for 10% of his or her total income, given I'm a po' white boy that's 800 a year. They're trying to get me to pay 826 a month and I didn't even know about this act until my roommate mentioned it in conversation. Updates to come.

Free Trade Viruses: part 1

2009-02-14T02:56:00.006-05:00

We all have come in contact with those wonderful little bugs over the Internet. Whether it's the latest spam thread on myspace.com or a potent virus found in emails, these little fuckers have been getting PC users (and to a lesser extent Mac users) by the short and curlies ever since the Internet first became popular in the 1990s. Where do all of these come from though? Like most people I at first just thought it was a handful of people just trying to screw up things, but upon reading an article on it from zdnet.co.uk it turns out that many of the viruses and spam we receive and deal with on a regular basis come from a vast underground network not too dissimilar to the mafia.
It pretty much rounds out like this. Someone hires one or several people to write the code for these viruses. They negotiate payment then the coders in turn hire even more people to send out these viruses. As stated in the initial article

Security experts are increasingly pointing to the existence of a "black" or "shadow" cyber-economy, where malware services are sold online using the same kinds of development methods and guarantees given by legitimate software vendors.

So the Trojan you get in an email from someone on your contact list stating "this website/picture/game/video/whatever is so cool and LOLs" it's possible that they in turn got it from numerous people; networks, within networks.
In short even the world of malware isn't safe from free market capitalism. This I suppose goes along with the phrase "If a dollar is to be made, people will do it."
What interests me the most about this topic is just the sheer idea that even in something that seems so random as viruses and spam there is still such an organized crime network. Professionals are still unsure just how organized this "black cyber-economy" is but in one example used in the article they sure as hell know how to pack a punch. The UK is and has been continually hit by a piece of Malware named "storm." This is a malware "bot" that was created that sent emails saying "230 Dead as Storm Batters Europe." When people open this email they get the virus. An employee of the well known antivirus company McAfee had this to say about "Storm."

"Storm has been exceptionally successful...It's used for spam runs, and researchers attempting to locate Storm command and control servers have come under attack. The hardest part is finding the key to those channels. They're not always easy to detect and find. Some of the communications are encrypted, while some are difficult to detect from a network point of view. I hate to use the word evolution, but they're certainly learning from their successes and failures. If it weren't for Storm, bots would be in significant recession. Some days we're seeing 1,000 different variants a day"

Like some weird Frankenstein's Monster, Storm is still evolving and learning to this day. Every new version of it takes lessons from the previous versions and it's becoming harder and harder for anti-virus/malware professionals to reverse its damage.
The real question though is who is making the money from these programs besides the anti-malware professionals? Those who have been caught are primarily just small players who are trying to pick up some extra cash. No John Gottis of the cyber world have been found (yet), but the competition is still fierce. One programmer, after creating a "packer" which is a program used to bypass computer security, ended up calling it quits after he just could not get a break. One thing that must be realized is it's not just other programmers these coders are going against; bots such as "Storm" are becoming more and more prevalent in the malware underground. Just like in a lot of modern industry and factory positions, why pay multiple people to send out these viruses when you can just as easily only pay one person to create a single program that can do the job quickly and more proficiently.
The internet is as much of a jungle as any other industry is. Be it buying stocks on Wall St., writing for a paper, or just being a cook at a bar, times are moving fast and money is moving even faster. The human instinct of adaptability is audacious in all respects and those who don't move with the rest of the trend are going to get trampled. I'm not saying I condone the act of purposely making people's lives a living hell, but one thing I will say is in this unsteady economic climate, making people miserable is the only service that will never go out of style.

This is a topic I happen to have great interest in and I'm going to be writing about it much more in the future as soon as I can get more information on it. I hope to make this into a complete investigative report eventually including interviews with programmers and players in the cyber-economy. Tune in later this week for part two. As for now, as always, Cheers.

-Jonny Gonzo

citation and quotes taken from original article "Cracking open the cybercrime economy" by Tom Espiner http://resources.zdnet.co.uk/articles/features/0,1000002000,39291463-2,00.htm

Music Review: Star Fucking Hipsters "Until We're Dead"

2009-01-28T08:10:00.001-05:00

I'll make this short because there's really not much to say come to think of it. The last year (or so?) Scott Sturgeon (Stza Crack) worked on a new project, Star Fucking Hipsters. Now, when I first heard of it I thought it was going to be Leftover Crack v.2 but I have to say they're pretty impressive. How I see it is take the best from both Choking Victim and Leftover Crack (with much more emphasis on Choking V), and add a female lead singer. On top of that add in one Miss Yula Beeri (of World/Inferno and Nanuchka fame) and that upon hearing you can tell Scott didn't write most of the songs and that's Star Fucking Hipsters. There's a couple songs I have some problems with but for every song that I'm not too fond of there's two others that make up for it. Personal favorites are "Two Cups of Tea", "Snitch to the Suture", and "Zombie Christ."

Track List

1. Until We're Dead
2. Two Cups of Tea
3. Immigrants and Hypocrites
4. Empty Lives
5. Snitch to the Suture
6. Only Sleep
7. 9/11 was (An Inside Joke)
8. The Path is Paved
9. Zombie Christ
10. This Wal-Mart Life
11. Broken
12. Death or Fight

It's worth a check out and a download if you're even remotely a fan of any of the "C-Squat" Bands. www.myspace.com/starfuckinghipsters

Fool Us Once...

2009-01-27T10:36:00.001-05:00

As said in an Associated Press article, it turns out the very people who got into this economic mess are the ones that Washington is hoping to help get out of it.

The AP's review reveals one of the ironies of the bank bailout: The same executives who were at the controls as the banking system nearly collapsed are the ones the government is counting on to help save it.

Let me get this straight...the very guys who caused it, are being put back in charge to fix it. I can't even fathom what else to say about this. So I'll have the source say it for me while I drool on myself and my eyes roll in the back of my head.

Wells Fargo & Co., for example, once was among the top lenders of subprime mortgages, or loans to buyers with low credit scores. The company received $25 billion in bailout money and plans layoffs in the coming months. But longtime CEO Richard Kovacevich remains the company's chairman, and the board recently waived its mandatory retirement age for him. John Stumpf, the president since 2005, became chief executive in 2007.

I'm still clueless on what to say next. The very idea of keeping someone in charge who has fucked up so dramatically is like reelecting a president who got us into a war and within a couple years spent any and all surplus....oh wait...on second thought let's keep that example for another time. I'm a firm believer of learning from mistakes; this doesn't seem like it's a learning experience though, this is just downright ignorance. Alas, one can only repeat and mull this over to his or herself so many times before he or she loses any and all bowel control.

full news article at :
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090127/ap_on_bi_ge/meltdown_executives

Philadelphia voted #11 out of 22 "Best Cities for Riding Out a Recession"

2009-01-26T09:22:00.000-05:00

As major Metro areas such as NYC, Chicago, LA, and San Francisco suffer who would've guessed Philly would actually be good for something? Business Week listed Philadelphia as #11 in their article/online slide show of "22 Best American Cities for Riding Out a Recession."

The city has plenty of large hospitals and educational institutions, including the University of Pennsylvania, Jefferson Medical School, and Temple University. It also has a large number of lawyers. Tourism could do fine in a downturn if Northeasterners decide to travel locally and foreigners continue to stream in to take advantage of the weak dollar. But Philadelphia has many stores and restaurants, which might get hit hard in a downturn.

Well hot damn! It turns out because of tourism, lack of big business and a more than surplus of hospitals, lawyers and schools, it's actually proven more than just a great place to grab some cheese steaks after getting into a drunken fist fight over a sports game. They said the restaurant business might suffer (which I've witnessed first hand at my own place of work) but still, "Killadelphia" has something to show for it besides high police brutality and gun violence levels. It's times like this that make me tear up with joy over a pint of Lager and a Flyers game. For the complete article check out http://images.businessweek.com/ss/08/10/1014_recession_cities/1.htm

Big Business not working? PSHAWW!

2009-01-23T10:31:00.000-05:00

In business news, there's going to be a lot more room in the malls. I'm talking about major retailers and corporations that are closing stores and filling out bankruptcy papers. I was checking out some news online and I saw a wondrous little Forbes article about what major retailers are going under. In these uncertain economic times it's not a surprise to see businesses close, but when it comes to big upscale shops and boutiques? It fills my heart with a warm glow. A couple ones the list included are such clothing retailers as Eddie Bauer and Gap Inc. I guess upbeat pop songs in commercials just don't do it anymore. Other victims of America's "Oh hey we don't have any money" revolution are Circuit City (which is kind of a shame, now Ledgewood mall in Jersey only has one store worth seeing, the guitar shop) Sears-K-Mart, and *gasp* Starbucks. Now, the Latter isn't going anywhere, but they are saying they're closing another couple hundred stores. Big shame because now we have to walk one extra block for a cup of coffee. Timberland is also suffering, but again, it's just closing some stores. Applebees was also on the list and Mrs. Fields Cookies. Regrettably, giants Wal-Mart and McDonalds are still thriving because they're cheap but with any luck people will start cooking at home or going to small shops. Personally I am a strong believer in what this country needs isn't another bail out or tax-cut. What it needs is the reemergence of main st., USA and smaller independant businesses. Think about it, the richies have enough money as it is, smaller businesses owned by the middle and working classes are suffering though and in turn the economy is in pieces. I think it's a bit late to say "I told you so" to these big businesses, but hey, why the hell not. I TOLD YOU SOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Obama: Prophet of Perpetuity?

2009-01-20T07:26:00.000-05:00

Call me a cynic, but I don't have faith in Obama at all, at least not until he proves me wrong. Already he has appointed primarily a lot of "Clintonites" and seems to be on the ball with big business. Change we need? So far doesn't seem like it. But only time will tell, as of this day (and in 4.5 hours as of this writing) he's going to be sworn in as figurehead #44. Now, I understand things can only get better...hopefully...everything is still up in the air. We'll see in 100 days if anything has been changed. Of course, here's my definition of change: universal health care, federal aid for an ailing working class, the abolition of the WTO and IMF, and an increase in jobs. It's a pretty tall order but hey, a guy can dream.