"Once, we were young. We were crass enough to care but I guess you live and learn, and we won't make that mistake again." -from "Love Ire and Song" by Frank Turner
I'm only 23, but those words sum up my twenties thus far. In the past three years I've cared, I've acted, and I've received nothing but disappointment. Usually given what I've seen, my form of jaded usually takes longer than that but I suppose I've had extreme measures and too much time to be introspective. I went to protests, I read the literature, I lived in West Philly, I did Food Not Bombs. The protests were poorly run, the lit was boring, the guy I lived with in West Philly was insane, and my reasons for leaving FnB are too long winded to fit in a parallel sentence structure. I still fervently support the group and the work it does, but yeah, long winded. These last five years, and I say five because everything started to go to shit February of 2005, have been a mix of culture shock, isolation, lost friends, confusion, and disillusion. It's as if I've done more growing up in five years than a lot of people I know do in a life time. I know life isn't supposed to be easy, but it feels like I've consistently been walking up a seventy degree slope with two tons of baggage on my back. I'm not depressed, just gaunt and frustrated. I know I'm too analytical about everything but I just can't seem to relax anymore, let things be, and get behind a cause. That's what used to fuel me, being able to get flustered enough and get behind a cause but every single one I've supported has been flawed. My first real defeat in this respect was two years ago. I took a stab at vegetarianism because I found out what the meat companies were doing with people, both customers and employees. One year later I learned that 80% of food in this country comes from the same four or five companies. I was shattered; Makiya was there with me and saw the defeat in my face. I will never forget that night and everything since has followed the same path. My life hasn't been much different so far really. A vicious cycle of disappointment after disappointment and disillusionment after disillusionment. I've managed to cope with most things but some nights like tonight the zippers on the baggage break and everything scatters.
I know everything sucks and it could always get much worse, but I'm pissed dammit. We all grew up thinking that the world is filled with possibility and with hard work and determination you will succeed, but all that optimism is eroding away and what's being left is just a jagged shell of bitterness covering a core of knowledge that the world our ancestors and previous generations left us is complete shit. A world where corruption and apathy towards others reins supreme and anyone with any feeling other than complacency towards an obviously broken system is thrown to the fucking dogs. I think that's what gets me the most about everything, complacency. That's what angers me the most, that feeling that so many people have that everything will work out and we'll all be taken care of, so why be a rabblerouser? I've been guilty of it myself and it's repugnant. When I see myself doing that I look at my own reflection and spit on it. It's another cycle, I get jaded, I get complacent, then I get pissed off, find a cause, learn it's flawed, then back to being jaded. I need to find a way to break the cycle at "find a cause" then stick with it.
"So come on let's be young, let's be crass enough to care
Let's refuse to live and learn, let's make all our mistakes again yes
And then darling, just for one day, we can fight and we can win"
